Savannah’s Unparalyed Stories

Many people say that the first year of marriage can be the hardest. Two imperfect people coming together under one roof, learning how to love one another wholeheartedly in submission through Christ, while being held accountable more than ever. It can be exhausting! Adding in multiple losses of life surly couldn’t ever be God’s plan? Could it?

In September of 2022 I was married to the Lord of my life Jeremiah. Two weeks before the wedding, I got my blood work done just to make sure I was healthy and okay. I was told that I may not be able to get pregnant due to two new diagnosis’ of Hashimoto’s and polycystic ovarian syndrome, better known as PCOS. The doctors let me know that conceiving could be very difficult and to just have fun with my husband and relax for the first year. Little did we know, not only would we be able to conceive, but we’d be able to conceive four times up until our first anniversary. The first being over our honeymoon.

Miscarriage one - Submission

As a new wife submission was already deeply ingrained in my heart. Especially as an independent woman who owns her own business, the idea of submitting to an imperfect person (my husband, wasn’t easy for me. God knew exactly what He was doing to help humble and grow us. No one really prepares you in the glowing aspect of premarital for loss. Loosing your spouse, child or other loved ones. As Christians, we’re told to just be confident in knowing we will have that individual in eternity if they’re saved. That hope is truly tested once loss occurs.

Finding out I was pregnant wasn’t a surprise because I could tell I was pregnant before I even had a positive test! Feeling life inside of you is very different than the average every day. But I could tell, I felt overly heightened and inflamed. Thanksgiving day my parents hosting Thanksgiving contracted Covid so the newly weds (Jeremiah and myself) decided we would step up in our small home and host! He also thought it would be a fun way to announce to our family that we are pregnant! We were a little over 8 weeks along. The night before I had a little bit of spotting, but nothing that seemed irregular.. the next morning there was a consistent stream of bright red blood. Thank the Lord, one of my best friends, Erika was staying with us. She watched the food as we spent over six hours in the emergency room before the dinner was hosted. And even after all of that time, with scans and bloodwork, all we were told was. “You need to wait and see.”

No one prepares you for loss in the first trimester, where your cervix doesn’t open up all the way, so you can physically feel the pushing in the crushing of your baby when you don’t want it. In the middle of dinner, I knew I needed to go lay down and even though my family and friends are having a beautiful time in the next room I was silently sobbing to the Lord. “How do I stop this? How do I get through this? How do I save my baby?” Crying in pain, withholding every contraction.. I genuinely thought I was going to die. But then the Lord spoke to my heart. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body [a]and in your spirit, which are God’s.

For years, I had understood as a believer that my body in this life was not my own, but for the first time I physically had to submit to that. If it truly was my time to go, then I would relax and submit into going to the kingdom. But also if it was my child’s.. their life was never mine to begin with, and never would be even if they were born. And with these verses ringing clear in my heart, I relaxed and allowed my body to contract naturally and passed my baby within the next few days.

Miscarriage Two - Identity

Thankful for the weeks we had our child and knowing they were in eternity, we went to our local OB/GYN to make sure everything had passed naturally. Once we got the clear we were told it was difficult to conceive again. So to just have fun and enjoy one another, especially after loss. We got pregnant right away and unfortunately miscarried on the beginning of Christmas Day. The timing couldn’t be more humbling, praising the birth of Jesus as I was loosing my second child in less than three months of marriage. All I could hold onto was our honeymoon even though our hearts were breaking against one another.

Submitting into the pushes wasn’t as hard second time around, but I couldn’t help but wonder what the point was. As I was bleeding again, I prayed, “Lord, isn’t it your will for us to multiply?” And this verse came to me. Ephesians 2:10

10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Not only did I learn a month ago that my body truly was His and my child’s body was His.. but Jesus, our King came as an innocent, helpless babe. And I truly understood that helplessness in the womb let alone as a newborn. His life was prepared for a calling to be our savior. As my two children’s lives were called into lives of never suffering the sin and woes of this world. They were called to be directly into the arms of Jesus and how could I ever be sad about that as a mother? A mother of two heavenly babies. I repented again. Thanked the Lord for my identity in Him and started the new year ready for whatever was to come next.

Miscarriage Three - God’s Timing

My husband and I learned about natural family planning in January and were starting to get the hang of my ovulation schedule until my body rest. Not without another hiccup of becoming pregnant again! Six months into marriage our third child was conceived. We let very close friends and family know so that we could be shrouded in prayer. “God wouldn’t let you looses another.” “He wants life!” Were some of the misleading encouragements that we received.

Almost 9 weeks into the pregnancy I saw the signs of a miscarriage again. Though there were tears physically, it was the easiest to submit to, especially knowing now of the eternal hope of having another child in eternity. But something still felt off with my relationship with the Lord. I prayed for weeks and nothing.. than one day in my own office I looked at my favorite Bible verses Isaiah 60:19-22 and the ending stuck out more than ever.

22 A little one shall become a thousand,

And a small one a strong nation.

I, the Lord, will hasten it in its time.”

The Lord will hasten it… IN ITS TIME. His timing. Jeremiah and I never prayed on his timing for children in our lives and when we did, it was an overwhelming no. Not right now. We repented together and asked God to take away the desire for children until he wanted us to have them whether it be through adoption or our own bodies naturally so that He may be glorified.

Miscarriage Four - Faithfulness

When we discovered we were pregnant in August. It was shocking because neither of us felt the desire to have children yet, but we definitely made sure that we weren’t intimate within an ovulation window. It was frustrating and a little confusing, but we figured we were off on understand understanding God’s timing. There was still annoying conviction that something was wrong but we were so blessed and honored to now have had a fourth child conceived when we were told it wouldn’t be possible. Focusing on the positive we moved forward.

Two days before my husband was to leave on a men’s retreat in early September right before nine weeks of pregnancy I could feel the stirring of the other three losses physically in my womb. I knew I was going to loos our child again. My husband wanted to stay with me, but I encouraged him to go be around men and be loved on. Would also be the first time in our whole marriage that I would be alone for a week. It was deeply needed. The second day of Jeremiah being gone the bleeding had finally stopped, and I couldn’t help but compare myself to the woman who grabbed Jesus’s garb. I cried on the floor as my dogs kissed my face and face down, I begged.. “Lord please, what I would give to be her. To touch you and be healed.”

Vividly, the verses came to me in Matthew 8:5-13. The Romans Centurion, you traveled foreign along to seek Jesus for help with His dying servant. Knowing that the Lord could heal anyone no matter how near or far whenever He wanted. Jesus responded to his faith and said, “10 When Jesus heard it, He marveled, and said to those who followed, “Assuredly, I say to you, I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel!” God made it very clear to me in that moment, I have the power of the Holy Spirit within me. He can deem healing if He so wished and our timing for a child had not yet come. I’ve never been so thankful and repentant. Understanding that Healing may never come. Because God’s timing for life is His and His alone. And if my identity is truly in him, then my life, and even my child will forever be a living sacrifice. So I will be submissive through every trial and joy. Death is the antithesis of life. But because God conquered it, I no longer had worry or fear in the future.

Reading Unparalyzed, I related to the daily and sometimes hourly submission of it’s difficult, but hope filled the truths. My joy no longer came from worldly desires in timing and ideologies, but slowly curating our heart posture of being excited for whatever season was next. All of Romans 8 describes this. But especially versus 18 - 25. We do not grow on top of the spiritual highs of the mountain. It’s a beautiful view, but it’s desolate. It’s only through the valley of overgrown thicket, trees and brush that we see fruit. Be thankful in every season and understand that God is using you for a purpose in His will, and His desire and His plan. I am Unparalized because I have the Holy Spirit. I am a daughter of the most high king.. my children are as well, and they know better than me currently.

#Unparalyzed #UnparalyzedMovement